Saturday, May 14, 2005,4:55 PM
No progress...
Well, ... first thing to mention, Riyanca, got a call, and issue over, hehe. Anyways, it was just because I wanted to talk, not because she asked me to, or mud forced me to, or Alvy adviced me to. And, well, obviously it won't be a very new thing, hehe. We've been talking since ages, so, it was all normal kinda talk, just like using MSN instead of Yahoo! Anyways, she'd be getting a new cell.... mobile... the device called MOBILE PHONE.... I mean a new SIM card... a new SIM card for a device called a mobile phone.... eh... forget it :).

The project work is .... err.. almost stagnant. The Mobile Blog thing has ZERO progress. The other project is just stuck in its faulty object clustering algorithm. Ohh gosh, its so so frustrating to just keep tickling with the code, make a change, here and there, compile, link and see the output, read more than 2000 numbers at a time and find out where it could be going wrong, and repeat this again, for hours, 4-5-6-8-10 !! Today definitely we'll find a solution. I'm thinking to replace the algorithm with another one which I found on the net. Not that ours is wrong, but what if the other one WORKS!!

Reminds me of a joke...
Theory is when you know how to do something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why.
Engineering combines both, nothing works, and we don't know why! :(

Anyways, 15th May 2005. So we can actually have a countdown, hehe. 7 days to go. Seven? How?
15 + 7 = 22. Train on 23 Morning 6 AM, hehe, so SEVEN days to go. I am now somewhat excited about it. My fate, Anni must have left Indore today, so can't meet him till 17th June now. Lets see if Tapan is there. And Ullu, hehe.

I am kinda not carrying my PC home. I will have to take my harddisk, with my Linux and ofcourse, TEST DATA for the project, a lot of tutorials. I'll also take a few CDs, Fedora Core 2 setup, Support CD, and a few survival CDs. Maybe I'll need to carry my RAM chip too. Dad is getting a PC arranged at home, for my work. Not that there is no PC there, but 633 MHz 128 MB RAM is too slow to run FC2 and also processing the Visual data.

Ohh, that tells me that my summer holidays are going to be all ruined up because of the project work. Lets see. But my mom will keep pushing me to work as usual. Anyways, its good to go home, meet parents, relatives, friends, girlfriends(? ... eh.. i don't have any ;)).

Okay, I think that is it, I don't have anything else to write today, well, there was nothing to write anyway. I just keep writing garbage. And its not a problem because no one will ever read it, I won't allow anyone. Fouzia knows about this link, but she is forgetful enough, Sowmya, but she is careless enough, and Reshmi, err.... we'll see, hehe. I mean, its just an accident that three people already know the link, otherwise, I don't want anyone to read all this.

I'll be working on the project in the morning before breakfast,(hehe, yeah, I've been having breakfasts now), and then lets see.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Thursday, May 12, 2005,6:46 PM
Good Morning
Introducing, the all new Anurag v2.2 Lx100, with the all new sleep early (all night) and get up early system and for the first time introducing features like eat-all-meals and take-breakfast-too.


Yes, finally, I have decided to behave "normally". What I noticed was that if I didn't change, I'd die. So, I decided to change. hehe. Anyways, last few days have been okay kinda, working a little, enjoying a little, not really sad or anything, but I don't know what feeling is it. Its the first time I have been through such situations, so. Ohh, what situations? Situations like,... umm... being so far away from friends, making a great friend who has never been physically near, being in the college when its holidays, not sleeping all night, having such long hair(eeeks), being at such a lonely place(no humans around, as I keep mentioning), an effort to make people understand the I-am-not-so-special thing.

Everything around looks so good, as if everyone around likes me, wants me, loves me, thinks good of me, and the way I behave, people tend to think that I am acting that way because "I" know that they care for me. I am not that kind of a guy. If "I" know that someone cares for me, I'll behave the same way if I didn't know. Most of the time people expect "If I care for you, you are bound to care for me.". I am against any such theory. Okay, any nice behavior will make my heart melt and eventually I will also care for the other person, but there is no obligation. Its like, he/she didn't put a condition that I'd love him/her too before going into "loving me". Loving someone is a "selfless" gesture, I think.

Anyways, coming out of this "abstract" discussion, nothing much is happening. Freaky came to work yesterday, but oh god, I was so so so sleepy, I almost drove him out of my room and continued sleeping. The other project, the mobile blog thing, is going well, I added albums, add album, add photos, now I have to give the delete and edit option. Then, give the add a photo/album to a post, and then, I am done with the server. Oops, there is still the J2ME application left, ooo, actually THAT is the main project, this is all the prerequisites, hehe.

Sam sir asked me if I was willing to do the WLAN project. I made him aware that I'd be leaving on 23rd, and it would be difficult to complete it by then. Ashish could work, but when I asked him, his answer was "not positive". Lets see what comes out of it. If we can do something, it would mean more money, hehe.

I am kind of excited about going home now. Well, yes, I want to meet my parents and sister and grandma, and uncles and aunts and theirs children.. in short.. all the relatives,.. hehe. I'd get to meet Tapan and hopefully Tanu. Besides all this part, I am actually excited about "living" the life "at home". All the "spoon feeding".. tension free environment and all. Okay, you think I am kidding right? Listen to this, every morning, when I return after brushing, I need to go up one floor and get a bottle full of water before I have anything to drink. Not that at home its always someone giving it, but still, its like, I don't know what, hehe. Then, I have to wait till 7:45 before I can get breakfast, not that I get up early all the time, but still. At home then, I can see TV, or read the newspaper, or just move about in the city. Not that here I can't do all that, but still, hehe. I mean, its not that I long for the "comfort" which my home provides me, its just the feeling of belonging, can't explain it in words.

Anyways, Anni is also coming back on 17th June, so, we'll meet then. Both Anni and Tapan are having Viral fever and Jaundice these days. I hope they'll be okay. Anyways, thats all about what I have been going through. For today, I will be mostly working on the CVIT thing, with Freaky, and take "all" my meals, hehe.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005,3:37 PM
Confused and angry and sleepy and ...
Well, Muddassir sent me a conversation between him and Riya. And I am reading it again and again, and again and again... I have read it more than 30 times now. Anyways, it is making me increasingly angry with myself, I mean, how irresponsibly I have been behaving and hurting people all around me.

Coming to the point, it all started with me saying, get a cell, we'll talk. Now when she got a cell, she expected me to call her, and I should have. I don't know what stopped me, and then, hours became days, weeks, months. I have pissed her completely because of the issue.

Its not that I don't want to talk to her, she is my best friend, so ofcourse I want to. What makes me stop then? I don't know. She asks me, what is it? I told her that I can't speak english. Its just an excuse. I am in complete dilemma.

I tell Mud that I want to call her, and he conveys that. I have her number, but I cannot dial it. Why? Because she has asked not to. This is also an excuse. I can dial it anytime I want to, I don't listen to anyone anyways, why will I listen to her order that I can't call her. But still, I don't dial. I cannot explain all this, maybe I fear that I will lose her, or maybe I think I am not presentable enough, but then, for a best friend, you don't need to present yourself, you just talk casually right?

Ohh, tell you what, when I am gonna reach home, I will talk to Tapan for like 3-5 hours per day on phone and spend something like 6 hours in person, hehe. Then, whats the difference? Mud, Taps, Anni, Rahul, Ullu and Riya.. my best friends... why are they not equal? That reminds me to call Ullu.

Anyways, I talked to Tanu today, actually just caught her online, not a long talk, just hi.. long time no see,. how are you.... i am fine.. gimme your new cell no... i'll wait for your msg... kinda talk. Maybe less than 3 mins. Also, Kaustubh Barua met me online, quite happy he is, but seems that he also lacks company like me. He was desperate to talk, but I was not much interested.

I saw the movie "Lucky" today. Actually, I wanted to see "Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani", but the VCD wasn't available, neither its there on the network. The movie is nice, I liked the heroine, her name is Sneha Ullal, really cute looks, and what a sweet voice she's got. She doesn't know acting at all.. hehe. The movie was not very good in the "storyline" aspect, but the camera work and direction was good.

Ohh, and I keep mentioning MY BEST FRIENDS as those 5. Its not just them. Now, I have new friends here in college, my BC group. They are a part of me now. We've been living together since 2 years now, so no one should think that they are less important to me, they are so caring, so loving, so funny, its great to be with them. Actually one can't compare whether those friends were good or these are? All have some place in my heart.

What else? Oooo, the CVIT project has finally begun. We got the cams, and were playing with it, taking some pics, oops, the pics are kinda censored, so can't put them up. Will take some other pics tomorrow morning, and put them up. Anyways, I have so much work left, in the CVIT project thing, I have to do my part tonight, because Freaky will be on my head tomorrow morning at 9. Its already 4:30. I am also working on the Blog server, and today I am thinking to add albums and all. But, its kinda getting too too complicated. Still I am moving on.

What? I don't sleep? Don't ask me that, I am not human. I work till 8. Freaky will come at 9 and we'll work all day, then, it will be evening, and I'll work again. Vicious circle. My diet has been getting bad too. No breakfast, no lunch and A SANDWICH and A COKE at dinner. Now tell me how will I survive? Everything is my fault, so can't even blame anyone.

I have decided to keep a low profile in the college and over the internet. Not logon too much, keep my cell off, not meet people much, just concentrate on work now. Thats how I can live without getting hurt. I believe that the problems are mine, the sorrows and all. So, no one else will come to correct them, I don't want to tell all this to anyone. So, I am writing in this blog. I don't want anyone to read. If someone does, eh, what can I say, don't come and sympathize or show anger or any other emotion. Its my life, and I know what to do with it.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Monday, May 09, 2005,6:06 PM
Okay, this is the first post...
Hi, I think I am too happy to find out that this blog server is actually working. My own blog server, hehe. Anyways, I have decided to post in this server till it slowly grows with more and more features. I will finally transfer the posts to blogspot. Its 10th May, 2005, 0625 hours, according to my server. I am working on it to make it better.

This evening, I was out with my friends, Ravi, Ashish and Meghna, for an outing "supposed" to be Ravi's birthday party. Well, he insisted that he'd give it when the whole BC group was here, so this one was kinda contribution party. Anyways, I was sleeping in the evening, at about 6:25 PM, when Ravi avidly banged my door. I got up and he said that we're going out. I had to get into shower almost immediately, I was so so deep in sleep that the soap was looking blurred to my eyes. Anyways, we went out to a restaurant, which was kinda expensive, hehe, and then, Ravi got us icecreams of HIS choice. I instantly rejected his choice for me, and took some other. The one he got for me was horrible. Then, amazingly, the other one tasted horrible too. I tasted the icecreams of everyone, and all tasted bad. Then I figured out that it was because of the Tinidazole I took in the evening.

We returned happily to the campus around 10. Then we talked and talked and talked, though Ravi got a little irritated. Anyways, then as Ravi had to get up early in the morning, and Ashish for no reason left the conversation. Meghna and I continued for a while, talking about different things, and cracking jokes. That ended at around 2:20.

When I had returned to my room, Avik sir came for some html help. After that, we saw some songs stored in my hard disk, which I never get the time to listen to. He left at around 5 AM. Then, I decided to work a little bit. It seems the Mobile Blog server is functioning quite well, and I am thinking to add more. I'll be awake till 10 maybe.

Summary: I am happy, working and ... hehe.. I don't know.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Sunday, May 08, 2005,8:28 PM
Ray of hope...
Well, the time of posting was set to some wierd time zone. I repaired it today. So from now on, the time of posting IS the actual time of posting.

Anyways, yesterday evening, my neighbour and my friend, Ravi, returned unexpectedly. He got an internship in Satyam, will be joining today morning. Its also his birthday today, we didn't celebrate much, as he was tired of the twenty hour long train journey. Hope today we'll go somewhere.

His arrival has infused into me a new confidence to work. He, who wanted to live at home during the entire holidays, has come here to work, and is not at home, even on his birthday. All this has made me think and realize that I should work too. Lets hope for the best.

I have been working on the Mobile Blog project all night. Its made quite a lot of progress. I think another week of such hardwork would get me into a very good position. But, my routine is still the same, unhealthy. No sleep all night, no regular diet, it been quite bad. I have decided to repair that too. I have a few meetings with the professors and all, regarding the other CVIT project, after that, I need some sleep, I've been awake since,.. umm... I don't know.

My cell phone balance, ohh, its been a thing to worry about for me. Rs. 1000.95 is what is left now. Its not that I can't afford to spend more, but I just want to live in a responsible manner. So, I will try to reduce on this expenditure. Though, it will definitely dip below 1000 before tonight.

Rest is almost fine. I've stopped thinking about anything else but my projects, Mobile Blog and the CVIT one. Also, I am upgrading my website. I also think of merging the BCServer with Mobile Blog, I guess most of the readers wont get what I am saying, but it all means that I am beginning work, without wasting time in other non-constructive activities.

Cheers!!!
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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,7:33 AM
Don't feel like working..
Its been quite a long time now, since I am awake, but apparently, I am not working. As Parag rightly predicted, the project work will slow down in his absence. The work seems to be huge, besides I am yet to start with the CVIT project. I am leaving on 23rd, and thats making me worried because I haven't worked a lot on the project, actually not even started.

Now that I am completely alone (ohh ya, sometimes friends do come to my room and see what am I doing, but thats not very often), I should work. I don't know why I am not. My mobile phone balance has been coming down exponentially, and I am kind of thinking to cut down on the extravagences(spelling's right, eh?).

I am now beginning to like this loneliness, this silence, I sometimes chat with myself, hehe. Now when someone comes to my door, instead of feeling happy that I have some company, I feel angered and disturbed. Most of the time, the person who comes to my room is in an joyful mood, and I feel as if he/she is laughing on my condition. My condition? Whats wrong with me? I am fine, eating, sleeping, enjoying, not-working.

Someone asked me, are you excited to go home? What kind of question is that? Ofcourse I am supposed to be excited about going home. Its been 5 months since I saw home. But, when I ask myself, am I excited? Am I happy?, the answer that comes from within is not positive. I don't know why.

So, finally, if I ask myself, why are you here? alone, locked up in a hot room, doing nothing. Are you hiding from someone? Avoiding something? What are you avoiding? Going home? You don't want to go home? Are you interested to work? I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to work. I don't want holidays. I am not happy here. I think I will not be happy at home. I am just confused.

Maybe its the heat thats driving me crazy. Maybe when I go home, everything will be fine. Maybe...
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Friday, May 06, 2005,9:24 PM
Sleepy, eh?
Its 9:54 AM now, and I've been awake since 5 PM. Its not a long time though, but I am thinking to recover from an inverted biological cycle. I've decided to sleep at 10 PM tonight, what ever happens.

Anyways, I've been working on the MB project, slow progress though. In the morning, when I was working seriously, I wanted to look up something on the internet...

The nameserver was unable to process the request.

Ohh, was such a disappointment. I then decided to revive all the good habits, took breakfast after.. err... 2 months maybe. Read the newspaper, good news, India's PSLV-C3 was launched successfully in orbit yesterday. These kind of achievements make me such proud about my country. I also want to contribute in some such way one day.

I'm in a good optimistic mood today, got a call from Freak, will see if I can get the cams. 11 AM... its time to see my ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE final exam papers, oh god, I'll flunk. Anyways, we'll see, I'm not kind of worried about it.

Akshay Sapre, my school friend, met me online on MSN. Seems being online on MSN is doing me good. Its not a big deal to be using Windows XP, but when I work, I need to be in Linux, and MSN crashes my messenger, so I avoid it. Anyways, he's studying law at Bhopal, graduating in 2008. He is with a lot of school friends.

Avneet Singh Bhatia (do I remember the name correctly, eh?), met him also online on MSN, he is also in Indore, will try to meet him when I return. Its not that I've any kind of special interest to meet these guys, but its good to see old school mates, I think.

I've not been doing much work at this place, not going out either. At 1 AM, I went to the canteen, to help myself with a burger and pepsi. I decided to walk to the college main gate to fetch money from the ATM machine. Its a long walk, I don't know why the ATM machine is installed so far. Its quite lonely and quiet in college these days. The path was dimly lit, no human around, and sounds only of the wild insects sitting around the grass and trees there. Amazingly, I was not thinking anything. Rather I was narrating to myself what I would write about this incident in the blog, crazy eh? The ATM machine cabit was cold, air conditioned, hehe. Then I quickly returned to my room, it was such a mess.

Till about 3:30, I was able to arrange it somehow. Then went for a shower. I had a severe headache, I was wet in sweat, and the cold shower, ooooh, but thats okay. Didn't damage me much. I kept on listening to songs. Bardaasht nahi kar sakta, ab door nahi reh sakta tere bin reminded me of the days with Anni, in his car, so great days were they.

Almost all day, I hardly get to see a human being. Though I don't have much work on the PC, but there is no alternative. This is summer hoidays, and all are gone home, except a few like me. I just keep telling myself to forget the lonliness and concentrate on work. This place, my PC, internet, nothing can make me feel the way it does at home. I'm so desperate to go. Its bad that my projects will still continue, and I'd have to carry this PC to home too.

My pulsating headache is still continuing, but I'm determined to sleep at 10PM. Its almost 11 now. I'll be getting ready to see the AI answer sheets. Hope everything is fine. My eyes are red and watery, and my back is so painful, the bed lies close by, I keep telling myself, I won't sleep.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Thursday, May 05, 2005,6:41 PM
Feeling better
Well, Rahul didn't get his first call in the morning. Why? My wish. Its been a year or two, so another day won't matter. I've been talking with Mud, trying to solve this little problem with me. Ohh, ya right, I don't even mention what problem I have, why? Perhaps I guess this blog is not SECURE enough. hehe.

Anyways, I always thought my best friends knew that they are my best friends. I don't need to be explicit about it, or should I be? Now that its been two long years of separation from home, my friends, and what not, I guess I have learnt how to live without them. Ohh gosh, not again, come on, this is not first year that you are feeling home sick or anything. I guess I am mentioning all this once again because I think I have some responsibility for my dear ones.

My friend, Arun says, obviously you are not a part of their daily ruitine now, so you are kind of secondary. Ohh, even the thought of it makes me shiver, they were never secondary to me, why am I? Or do they feel the same way as I do? This dilemma is going to accompany me all life. I KNOW I won't be able to live AT HOME ever. Why? Be practical man, you're a software engineer, you have to be in a place where there is business, demand, work. My hometown has no business, no demand, no work.

I sometimes think of my parents, they brought me in this world, taught me how to speak, walk, talk, eat, etc, etc, etc. But am I a part of their life now. NO. I am just someone whom they care about, and who visits them once every six months. I don't know how to digest this fact.

Ohh, I've been reading someone's blog lately. Sad girl, thats what I came to know. Comparison ---> Competetion... well, comparing her and me, my sorrow is far behind in competetion with hers. But the way she lives, so determined, dedicated, trying to pull herself up from all the pain and depression, fills me with all the more energy to work and forget the pain.

Anyways, I guess, I can't write more. Its 7:24 AM here. I've been up all night. Neeraj left for his relatives place, we were there to see him off on the college main gate, Ashish, Meghna and myself. Ohh, and did I mention all the fun we had all day shopping clothes and toys for his little niece he is going to meet? Well, we also gave some presents from our side, hehe. Ohh, and I visited Hyderabad Central for the first time, hehe, Devansh keeps on pressing to go there, and everyone ignores it. Well, I've been ignoring him all day without reason, lets see, we'll go out for dinner tomorrow.

Okay, I can't hold any longer. Good Night!
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005,2:02 PM
Are you my friend?
Friend? What does this term mean? Whom do you generally consider a friend? Is it the one whom you talk to...live with? share joys sorrows? How much materialistic things matter in friendship? Okay, let me explore some of the answers.

For me, a friend is someone whom I care about, wish that he/she is always happy, whether or not my friend remembers me... I always remember. A person generally makes friends at the work place, or classroom.. and nowadays over the internet. I meet so many people in life everyday. Some meet in person, some call me, some send letters, emails, some I see on television, some I meet over the internet. Does it mean all are my friends? Do I care about them equally?

Sometimes I think about degrees of friendship. This is how I think, this is just my way, patented. I consider two people, and think of a very very bad thing happening to them, say a damage in one of the eye, horrible right? Now, I try to compare, how much would it make me sad if it were to happen to those two people? And generally there is one which I care about more, and so I get hurt more, or even can't imagine such a thing to happen to them. Does that mean I can compare friendship on this basis?

Then, I think, what the hell. The person most in contact, the most I talk to is my best friend. Is it really true? Even if I keep talking to someone all day, how does that affect our relation? We can make two fake ids, I pretend to be a girl and she can be a guy, and we can talk anything romantic all day. Does it make us lovers? Don't we certainly know that nothing is going to come out of it, but still keep talking. Does it represent friendship either? That can be done over the phone also. Or even in person. There are so many such incidents. I saw a movie on that, don't remember the name though.

And by the way, I can seldom talk to my old school pals, and I bet they are no less than any friends I ever made. How do you define friendship then? I see them after some 6 months, 11 months, 4 years!! I don't think I would be able to accept any fact saying they are not my best friends in life.

Why am I writing all this? Because I am sad and angry. Not with anyone, but with myself. I have not been able to fulfil the requirements of my friends. I have made them sad. Some have even lost contact. When I talk to Rahul sometimes, say once every 1.5 years, his voice, the pain in it, it makes me angry with myself. I have all the facilities to talk to him every month if not everyday. I don't. Why? I don't know. Out of the 24 hours in a usual day, we spent almost 12 hours together (rest 12 are... 8 to sleep, 3 to study, 1 to eat)... and now, I am going to meet him, hopefully in 2006... we last met in 2003.

What do I do instead, talk to strangers, make new friends. Why? I am not even capable enough to sustain old friendships. I really don't deserve friends.

And I am not very good at maintaining my newly found friends either. Ohh, ya I claim they are ALSO my best friends, wow... but what do I do...?? Make them sad, all the time. They, I know for sure, are so dedicated, and love me so much. They don't know that I don't deserve their love. I clearly write it in my Yahoo profile... "Don't expect anything from me. I will turn you down." ... why do they believe in me so much then? Why do they expect I would fulfil anything? I am good for nothing lonely creature with no friends, why can't they just let me be lonely?

I don't know what to do next. I can't leave any friends now. They are all a part of my life now. Ohh.. ya ... now I know what to do... first call tomorrow morning is going to Rahul. We'll see what to do next after completing this step.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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