Wednesday, May 04, 2005,2:02 PM
Are you my friend?
Friend? What does this term mean? Whom do you generally consider a friend? Is it the one whom you talk to...live with? share joys sorrows? How much materialistic things matter in friendship? Okay, let me explore some of the answers.

For me, a friend is someone whom I care about, wish that he/she is always happy, whether or not my friend remembers me... I always remember. A person generally makes friends at the work place, or classroom.. and nowadays over the internet. I meet so many people in life everyday. Some meet in person, some call me, some send letters, emails, some I see on television, some I meet over the internet. Does it mean all are my friends? Do I care about them equally?

Sometimes I think about degrees of friendship. This is how I think, this is just my way, patented. I consider two people, and think of a very very bad thing happening to them, say a damage in one of the eye, horrible right? Now, I try to compare, how much would it make me sad if it were to happen to those two people? And generally there is one which I care about more, and so I get hurt more, or even can't imagine such a thing to happen to them. Does that mean I can compare friendship on this basis?

Then, I think, what the hell. The person most in contact, the most I talk to is my best friend. Is it really true? Even if I keep talking to someone all day, how does that affect our relation? We can make two fake ids, I pretend to be a girl and she can be a guy, and we can talk anything romantic all day. Does it make us lovers? Don't we certainly know that nothing is going to come out of it, but still keep talking. Does it represent friendship either? That can be done over the phone also. Or even in person. There are so many such incidents. I saw a movie on that, don't remember the name though.

And by the way, I can seldom talk to my old school pals, and I bet they are no less than any friends I ever made. How do you define friendship then? I see them after some 6 months, 11 months, 4 years!! I don't think I would be able to accept any fact saying they are not my best friends in life.

Why am I writing all this? Because I am sad and angry. Not with anyone, but with myself. I have not been able to fulfil the requirements of my friends. I have made them sad. Some have even lost contact. When I talk to Rahul sometimes, say once every 1.5 years, his voice, the pain in it, it makes me angry with myself. I have all the facilities to talk to him every month if not everyday. I don't. Why? I don't know. Out of the 24 hours in a usual day, we spent almost 12 hours together (rest 12 are... 8 to sleep, 3 to study, 1 to eat)... and now, I am going to meet him, hopefully in 2006... we last met in 2003.

What do I do instead, talk to strangers, make new friends. Why? I am not even capable enough to sustain old friendships. I really don't deserve friends.

And I am not very good at maintaining my newly found friends either. Ohh, ya I claim they are ALSO my best friends, wow... but what do I do...?? Make them sad, all the time. They, I know for sure, are so dedicated, and love me so much. They don't know that I don't deserve their love. I clearly write it in my Yahoo profile... "Don't expect anything from me. I will turn you down." ... why do they believe in me so much then? Why do they expect I would fulfil anything? I am good for nothing lonely creature with no friends, why can't they just let me be lonely?

I don't know what to do next. I can't leave any friends now. They are all a part of my life now. Ohh.. ya ... now I know what to do... first call tomorrow morning is going to Rahul. We'll see what to do next after completing this step.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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