Tuesday, May 10, 2005,3:37 PM
Confused and angry and sleepy and ...
Well, Muddassir sent me a conversation between him and Riya. And I am reading it again and again, and again and again... I have read it more than 30 times now. Anyways, it is making me increasingly angry with myself, I mean, how irresponsibly I have been behaving and hurting people all around me.

Coming to the point, it all started with me saying, get a cell, we'll talk. Now when she got a cell, she expected me to call her, and I should have. I don't know what stopped me, and then, hours became days, weeks, months. I have pissed her completely because of the issue.

Its not that I don't want to talk to her, she is my best friend, so ofcourse I want to. What makes me stop then? I don't know. She asks me, what is it? I told her that I can't speak english. Its just an excuse. I am in complete dilemma.

I tell Mud that I want to call her, and he conveys that. I have her number, but I cannot dial it. Why? Because she has asked not to. This is also an excuse. I can dial it anytime I want to, I don't listen to anyone anyways, why will I listen to her order that I can't call her. But still, I don't dial. I cannot explain all this, maybe I fear that I will lose her, or maybe I think I am not presentable enough, but then, for a best friend, you don't need to present yourself, you just talk casually right?

Ohh, tell you what, when I am gonna reach home, I will talk to Tapan for like 3-5 hours per day on phone and spend something like 6 hours in person, hehe. Then, whats the difference? Mud, Taps, Anni, Rahul, Ullu and Riya.. my best friends... why are they not equal? That reminds me to call Ullu.

Anyways, I talked to Tanu today, actually just caught her online, not a long talk, just hi.. long time no see,. how are you.... i am fine.. gimme your new cell no... i'll wait for your msg... kinda talk. Maybe less than 3 mins. Also, Kaustubh Barua met me online, quite happy he is, but seems that he also lacks company like me. He was desperate to talk, but I was not much interested.

I saw the movie "Lucky" today. Actually, I wanted to see "Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani", but the VCD wasn't available, neither its there on the network. The movie is nice, I liked the heroine, her name is Sneha Ullal, really cute looks, and what a sweet voice she's got. She doesn't know acting at all.. hehe. The movie was not very good in the "storyline" aspect, but the camera work and direction was good.

Ohh, and I keep mentioning MY BEST FRIENDS as those 5. Its not just them. Now, I have new friends here in college, my BC group. They are a part of me now. We've been living together since 2 years now, so no one should think that they are less important to me, they are so caring, so loving, so funny, its great to be with them. Actually one can't compare whether those friends were good or these are? All have some place in my heart.

What else? Oooo, the CVIT project has finally begun. We got the cams, and were playing with it, taking some pics, oops, the pics are kinda censored, so can't put them up. Will take some other pics tomorrow morning, and put them up. Anyways, I have so much work left, in the CVIT project thing, I have to do my part tonight, because Freaky will be on my head tomorrow morning at 9. Its already 4:30. I am also working on the Blog server, and today I am thinking to add albums and all. But, its kinda getting too too complicated. Still I am moving on.

What? I don't sleep? Don't ask me that, I am not human. I work till 8. Freaky will come at 9 and we'll work all day, then, it will be evening, and I'll work again. Vicious circle. My diet has been getting bad too. No breakfast, no lunch and A SANDWICH and A COKE at dinner. Now tell me how will I survive? Everything is my fault, so can't even blame anyone.

I have decided to keep a low profile in the college and over the internet. Not logon too much, keep my cell off, not meet people much, just concentrate on work now. Thats how I can live without getting hurt. I believe that the problems are mine, the sorrows and all. So, no one else will come to correct them, I don't want to tell all this to anyone. So, I am writing in this blog. I don't want anyone to read. If someone does, eh, what can I say, don't come and sympathize or show anger or any other emotion. Its my life, and I know what to do with it.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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