Tuesday, July 19, 2005,2:20 PM
Confused!!!!
I've a painful and blocked ear.... a headache . and a muddled up head... its a little chilly here... and my chair is broken.. so I've back ache too... and thanks to god its raining so cant go out also. This is no movie scene but what I'm in right now.

Today, sun didn't rise for me, I was sleepy because of the chatting late in the night. Mom called up at 6, asking me to wake up for class, so I told her that its at 10. I didn't get up for the Pattern Recognition class at 10. When the sound of my PC, my fan and the hot rays of the sun forced me to get up, it was 2 PM. I got up lazily and did nothing.

At six, I had the DIP class, so was planning to get ready in any circumstances. In the afternoon, Chahat and Tanu started talking. Chahat is Tanu's friend from Amritsar, and is visiting her in Indore. We've been talking since about a week and have become good friends. Most of the time its not even possible to guess who is talking, Tanu or Chahat, but its fun.

At 5:22 PM, I went to get ready, buzzed all my friends to ask the venue of the class and then finally managed to reach class, ten minutes late, sweating and breathless. The class was good, Prof. Namboodiri is good, but it was too hectic to keep listening for an hour and half. I came back from class with a headache.

I slept in my room for a while, thinking that Chahat will go tomorrow so I should be available online to talk to her for the second last time. She didn't come. I fell deep asleep. My friends woke me up for dinner, for which I reluctantly got dressed. The dinner was awesome, what variety and good taste, better by any standards for our mess.

I returned to my room soon, and started doing nothing. I wanted to do the assignment which the DIP prof. gave, just out of enthusiasm. When I had nothing to do, I considered reinstalling my Windows XP. Soon it was done and soon Tanu and Chahat arrived.

We started talking as usual, this and that. Chahat mentioned how Tanu took Narialpani at 11 because I had recommended. I said it was sweet. But then she insisted to say it romantically. Then Tanu came and she also "seriously" somewhat said that "she wanted a future with me". I was confused, I was not ready for this. Not that she is bad or anything, or that I don't like her. But thats a different issue, I've never thought about such a thing with her. I straight away told her that "We are just friends". For a lot of time it was getting angry and crying and going away. I still doubted that it was all a prank.

Later, she stopped replying after saying "bye forever". This was kind of alarming for me. This started looking serious. I didn't want an end to friendship if I didn't love her and she did. Its like punishing me for a crime I never did. So, I kept trying to talk, and she didn't reply.

After I was exhausted, I switched off the lights and tried to sleep. I don't generally ever switch off my PC, so it was on. And time and again I was looking at it for any reply. Then, my cell rang. It was Tanu! I picked up, not hesitating though, I was almost 99% sure it'd be Chahat, so she was. I explained her the whole issue and she asked me to somehow explain Tanu that I don't love her, but we're friends.

Now, I was more confused, it seemed real! What to do? Tanu... eh? She is not bad, looks good too... sometimes behaves impulsively, but most of the time is good to me. Why the hell did she fall in love with me?

Another thing to tell here is about my mom. Most of the time she is concerned about me, my good, etc. In the process she becomes overprotective. Most of the time she is pushing me to be with people of high academic profile. Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't compare or make friends on the basis of academics. Tanu is doing B.Sc. which SHE doesn't consider to be too great. So, she keeps asking, why are you meeting her, why are you going when she is inviting... and I give the usual explaination... "she's a friend".

So, my little brain went as far as "will my parents accept her". Not that I was ready for all this, but still. Chahat asked me to think about the matter, and so I was thinking. Also, surfing the net and talking about it with an internet friend.

Just then, then phone rang, Tanu again! I didn't know who would it be. But this time I was more bold and cheerful. One of the reasons was, whether a friend or a girl I like, or even the worst girl proposes you, your ego gets a cusion, an enhancement, and thats what happened, not that I wanted any relationship, but my mind had started to think.

She told me that it was a little prank about a bet to test how innocent I was. I said it was okay, talked for a while and then said bye.

This is the moment where I am sitting in front of the PC, just after 10-15 mins after I received the call. This state of mind is kind of blank. Just nothing coming to mind, as if there is no brain or no sensation. Why should I be sad? I didn't have any feelings. Why should I be happy? A girl just dumped me, even without first accepting. I wanted just friendship, then what is it that went wrong? She and Chahat are done with their "test" for my purity.

I want to come out of this place as soon as possible. I don't want to sleep, but how will I attend the class tomorrow? This watch of mine in the PC shows 8:47 AM, so I don't even know what the right time. And it looks to me that I am typing meaningless things in the blog, the description of today is over, but I just don't want to stop. There is nothing to do.

Okay, I stop. We'll try to sleep once more. I told Chahat too, that you've just eliminated "half the tension". God help me.
 
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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