Tuesday, August 30, 2005,9:23 AM
The fall has begun..
Well, its been a nice midsemester examination. Networks and Compilers as easy as ever, and PR getting screwed, all unexpected things happening here. Its okay, who cares. Tomorrow is DIP, and I am so complacent about it, not even reading the book properly, just reading without concentration.

Riyanca, ohh, what to say now. I think the fall has begun. No, she didn't do anything, but I think that this internet friendship is getting too much for her. Its not like I don't think we are not as good friends or something, but then, still, I think she needs to depend more on people around her, and not on some internet link miles away. So, you can say, now I am trying to make her go away from me, its not very good for me, makes me sad and all, but then, its good for her, and so I am doing it.

I guess she'll be beginning to feel it now that my hold on our so called "eternal friendship" is losening. She told me this before too, that finally I will leave her, as if we never met. Its not like that is what I always wanted to do or something. I really want her to be with me, and me with her. But if that harms your own friend, you don't want that right? So, I am doing it. I hope everything gets okay.

Rest is all fine. Tanu and I are carrying on nicely with our talks. Now now, don't tell me that you got Tanu, so you are leaving Riyanca or something. Its like, a girl who takes so keen interest in the minutest detail of my life, remembers all my friends, their names, their habits, and what not, can't be replaced by someone else. So Riyanca can't be replaced, ever. Anyways, so Tanu's been friendly all these days. One day she stopped and asked on phone, that we didn't used to talk so much and such friendlily, you remember? And then, as if she thought it was not correct to ask it, she just switched the topic. I don't know whats happening. Is it friendship? Mind you, we flirt a lot these days. Can't say its love, because my heart doesn't say, YES, this is the girl.

I got to know of another new algorithm for my visual tracking project. Its called something motion detection. So, instead of the old crappy image substraction, I will try to use this new algorithm. Lets see how successful I am. I'll begin working on it from tomorrow.

I haven't gone to PT yet, so thats a little bit of problem. I'll surely begin from 2nd September, hehe.

Anyways, wish me luck for DIP.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Monday, August 22, 2005,11:51 PM
Smoothness returns..
Seems like I was really depressed last time I blogged here. Its getting normal again. Not that all that was not true, but now I don't pay heed to all those things anymore.

Riyanca, well, what should I say? She's been okay all these days. I guess all it needs is a little more time. She has her final year and so she should concentrate on studies and all. Internet friendship is okay, I mean, if we do meet in life, I think we'll get friendly and comfortable with each other much much faster than if we had never talked online. And, I approximate the time to get normal as 2 hours 47 minutes, magical figure, hehe.

Exams are approaching and there is an overload of assignments, along with taking classes of juniors. I've been regularly missing PT since the first day, so, I need to tighten up on that front too. Less than a week is left for the First Mid Semester Examination, and I haven't begun preparing, something like a "fake confidence" in me is stopping me.

Forgot to mention about my article on "Analysing Love".

This one was too much condemned and looked down upon, but when yesterday RIYANCA appreciated it, it felt so good from within. I can't say, oh she appreciates my articles so she is my true friend, because true friends give the "correct opinion" and not the "sweet opinion". Well, she IS my true friend is a different thing, hehe.

Actually nothing is happening around me, so there is really nothing to write about. I sometimes feel as if I blog only when I'm in pain and grief, so finally breaking the trend, I am posting on a normal day. I'll definitely forget posting when I am really "happy". Wish me luck for the forthcoming exams. :)
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005,9:32 AM
7 dark days.
Enough of crap, I've been making a shield around me which has been covering the "so dump and unstable" me inside and showing an intelligent, stable and friendly version of me to the public. But, it feels as if the "shield" has withered out now, and I am feeling the pain of being exposed to the world.

These 7 days have been bad, really bad and depressing for me. The only good thing happened is that my ear is back to normal now, so I can HEAR things. As each day passes, I get a new shock, a new pain, an unending one.

Ever since the snake has bit Riyanca, she has changed. Now, I know that I am not as important to her, after all "its a virtual world", as she claims. I can't go and tell her how I feel, because thats how I am made, I don't say things. You need to understand them. I don't think things will get better anytime soon. She's got a great friend, (which I came to know of a few days ago), Manish, and he really cares for her. So, what am I going to do? I'm going to just leave them, happy together, and dip myself into loneliness. I guess thats right too, because this distance between us is really dampening and extinguishing the flame of friendship between us.

Yesterday was Independence Day, great thing, wow. There was a "blood donation camp" set up in the college. I kept on thinking about to do it or not. Even the girls of "first year" donated blood, and I kept thinking. Why? Just because of the fear of "the needle"? Rest of the conditions for me and the ones who donated were exactly same. Finally Ashish gave the fake consolation that "you could get infected by AIDS here, so better donate when you are at home", and I accepted it. How bad. This thing is eating me from within all the time.

Then, I wrote something in blog and orkut. And people made me realize that I am not that good in that either. Neither do I know about Love, nor about Politics.

Finally, here I am, sad, alone, in my room, not a good friend, not a good citizen, not knowledgable, not skilled, not intelligent, a loser basically. Oh, what should I do? But alas, I'll continue living in my "fake image", hiding all the sadness, the pain.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005,10:50 AM
Long time no see....
28 July ... 9 August... long time its been when I scribbled here. Not that I didn't want to, or didn't get time to, but I was hesitating to, and whenever I sat down to type in, either some disturbance or a change in mood or my health problems would stop me.

Its been nice since I last posted... err.. correction.. I didn't write since 21 July. I actually read the last post. Things have changed a lot. We've had a phase of orientation as well, not all of it was much fun and it was not very long lasting. For the first few days the juniors were like, kind of fearful and almost crying. After some incidents and when faculty started interfering its been quite normal for them. The official public orietation function was fun, but after a junior got ill, the interaction has almost completely stopped.

I've got the job as a TA for C programming under Prof. Jawahar. Its a fun thing teaching the first years, such innocent and inquisitive faces, curious to learn, unlike us, uninterested and sleepy, hehe. I was hesitating while going to the first class, as if how will they react, will I be able to control them, or they will dominate, will I answer their doubts or not. etc. But since then, there has been no looking back, its been fun and frolic all the time, and I DID NOT FLIRT WITH ANY JUNIOR GIRL YET.

The other day Ashish had to take a "regular" class of the first years in ITWS because the professor was absent. He asked me to help. Given the mic in front of a 180 odd audience, I was a little unstable in the beginning, but then as we started catching the flow, it was all great fun, and just masti.

Tanu.. I've been talking and thinking about her a lot. What should I do? What does she think about me? Even about proposing her, etc. Not that I love her or anything, or do I, actually I am not sure. She is a nice girl, talks to me sweetly, but then I talk to so many people sweetly, so can she, so that doesn't mean love or anything. My heart and mind always become uncertain when I talk about her. And Riyanca is fed up of me talking about her. Poor her, whenever she comes online, all she has to hear is her her and her, hehe.

I received the cards from Fouzia as a token of our one year old friendship. Its not that its bad or anything, but its just that it doesn't make me much happy to see them. They are not bad or anything, they are good, just that I don't know why they don't give me a lot of happiness as one would expect. I've been ignoring her these days, not that I wanted to, but just because of our network, my work, etc, etc.

I started two more blogs, Fedora Core Solutions and Fedora Core Customizer. The first one deals with the problems and solutions of FC and the second one is about a new project to enhance Fedora, which I have been thinking of doing since months. Their links are...

Tanu and I talked on phone the other day for long, just because its free for her to call reliance mobiles. She was just mentioning that I spoilt her by making her chat late in nights. So, we decided not to talk from now on forever till one of us feels the need to, and the one who starts it will lose. We didn't talk for a few days, but then, friendship day, smses from Chahat, and circumstances made us talk. I did the first SMS and she made the first call, I don't know who lost.

On Sunday was Freshers Welcome Party, though I missed a major part of it doing the DIP assignment. That reminds me that the DIP assignment is kind of interesting. I've been adding capabilities to the software and its become quite nice now. So, coming back to the topic, the Freshers was nice, nothing to tell about, just marking a new landmark.

On Sunday, Riya got bit by a snake, she called to inform me, and also smsed. My balance got over just the minute she smsed me. I was helpless. I was moving around on the road, so I went to a Hutch Shop and recharged. I smsed her, but it didn't reach, I tried to call but it didn't ring. I smsed Alvy to call but it didn't work. I was just consoling myself till late in the night saying that she sent me an sms and called me, that means that she is okay and in senses. She called up late in the night, and didn't tell me anything clearly, but I somehow could understand that she was okay. I was still worried for most part of the night, I don't know when did I sleep, or did I sleep? The next night she called up and told me that she is okay and she was under observation yesterday. I just tried to talk casually, but she took it as if I didn't care. Anyways, doesn't matter, people do misjudge me all the time, I am unpredictable, hehe.

I got a proposal from Sid to go to Mumbai this Friday. I was thinking about it, and started to fantasize meeting Riyanca. But then she is not well, and besides, I can't lose her. What if she thinks that I am not the same person she chats with and changes her opinions, I can't afford that. So, I decided not to go with Sid, though this decision became obvious when no one wanted to go, or the plan was not feasible, and so it was cancelled. Still, it can again come to limelight and I might be put in a situation to decide about going to Mumbai, and if I go, should I tell her and if I tell her, should I meet her, etc, etc.

Ohh, forgot to mention about my blocked ear. My ear was kind of blocked since about 10-12 days, its getting better now. I was planning to see a doctor, but I guess now its not required. I hope it becomes completely okay.

Rest is all fine, three fours projects, classes, assignments, wierd friends, and ME.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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