Tuesday, August 16, 2005,9:32 AM
7 dark days.
Enough of crap, I've been making a shield around me which has been covering the "so dump and unstable" me inside and showing an intelligent, stable and friendly version of me to the public. But, it feels as if the "shield" has withered out now, and I am feeling the pain of being exposed to the world.

These 7 days have been bad, really bad and depressing for me. The only good thing happened is that my ear is back to normal now, so I can HEAR things. As each day passes, I get a new shock, a new pain, an unending one.

Ever since the snake has bit Riyanca, she has changed. Now, I know that I am not as important to her, after all "its a virtual world", as she claims. I can't go and tell her how I feel, because thats how I am made, I don't say things. You need to understand them. I don't think things will get better anytime soon. She's got a great friend, (which I came to know of a few days ago), Manish, and he really cares for her. So, what am I going to do? I'm going to just leave them, happy together, and dip myself into loneliness. I guess thats right too, because this distance between us is really dampening and extinguishing the flame of friendship between us.

Yesterday was Independence Day, great thing, wow. There was a "blood donation camp" set up in the college. I kept on thinking about to do it or not. Even the girls of "first year" donated blood, and I kept thinking. Why? Just because of the fear of "the needle"? Rest of the conditions for me and the ones who donated were exactly same. Finally Ashish gave the fake consolation that "you could get infected by AIDS here, so better donate when you are at home", and I accepted it. How bad. This thing is eating me from within all the time.

Then, I wrote something in blog and orkut. And people made me realize that I am not that good in that either. Neither do I know about Love, nor about Politics.

Finally, here I am, sad, alone, in my room, not a good friend, not a good citizen, not knowledgable, not skilled, not intelligent, a loser basically. Oh, what should I do? But alas, I'll continue living in my "fake image", hiding all the sadness, the pain.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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