Friday, September 30, 2005,6:14 PM
Exams : I am too busy
Its seriously not possible to keep blogging while my blog is open for the public, somehow the best in me comes out when I am hidden from the world. Its not in favour of the world, but then, its their fate, hehe. Anyways, still I am continuing with it.

Life is fine here, kind of hasty due to the exams that are just two days away. I feel that its more of the hype created by the students than the real pressure. I mean, come on, the syllabi are not too big, or complex, except for a few exceptions, but then there is a hell lot of time too.

I've been reading PR for like 3 days now, a little more than is required I guess, and a little bit of DIP, Networks and POPL. Well, I am not afraid of any of these, but I want to finish within time. Its just 7 AM now, and I have this whole day minus 5 hours, and the whole day of tomorrow too. I have to study some part of DIP, the whole of Compilers, the whole of Networks and POPL, the left over of PR and an overview of Hindi. Lets sum it up..

DIP - 1.5 Hrs Approx. - 2 Max.
Compilers - Don't know - Don't know - Lets say 5 hours.
Networks - 1.5 Hrs Approx. - 2 Max.
POPL - 2 Hrs Approx - 3 Max.
PR - 1 Hr Approx - 1.5 Max.
Hindi - Leisure time - Leisure time - something around 2 Hrs.

Summing it up, I get 1.5 + 5 + 1.5 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 13 Hours. Approx.
and 2 + 5 + 2 + 3 + 1.5 + 2 = 16 Hours max.

And I need more time to study the subjects of tomorrow, that is Compilers and Networks, which will take around 3 + 3 = 6 hours. In all, I'd be required to study for about 19 to 22 hours within the next 48 hours. A big percentage I would say, lets see how am I able to cope with it.

Rest is fine. I haven't recharged my cell, and which apparently is causing a lot of "problems" for Riyanca and Tanu. Well, there is no reason why there should be any. I mean, I am not Lata Mangeshkar, and if you talk of communication, we are chatting almost daily, so shouldn't be any problem. And I am going to NOT RECHARGE for another, lets say, 15 days. Actually the card will expire in 3 months and so I have all the time in life. Mom and Dad also want me to recharge, which is explainable, but then, I'll somehow convince them to talk to me via my friends' phones.

Nothing else is happening here, as you already know, I am too busy for the next 48 hours, and even after that. Wish me luck!
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Thursday, September 29, 2005,12:47 AM
Blog : An analysis
I decided that this place, MY BLOG _UnPrEdictAbLe_, should be opened up for the public, so that people can read it, find out what I feel, maybe say something about it, etc. Well, this decision didn't come as a consequence of something, but just that everyone has a "open blog", so shall I.

I found out that with the useless content and really bad english that I use (maybe there are no spelling mistakes, but sentence formation is completely crap), no one was interested in reading it. That can be taken as both a positive sign and a negative one. Positive because even now my privacy is intact, something like being alone in the mob. Negative because this will discourage me, as I will come to know how bad I am in writing blogs.

Err... you might think that what the hell, why am I talking about blogs?? Well, its kind of coming repeatedly to my mind, I mean this topic, so I wanted to write about it. By the way, I have a separate blog to write thoughts into, Thoughts!

I was trying to find out why people write blogs? And how is it different from a diary on paper? Some of the answers to 'why people write blogs' that come to my mind are,
* To remember what happened.
* To learn from their mistakes.
* To store and convey or broadcast their thoughts.
* To show off!
* To impress someone.
* To distribute some information or knowledge (all tech blogs).
* To reduce the tension on them, to vomit all the pain to the blog.

Well, even I blog for similar reasons, but then, there is a big question on 'what content should be allowed to viewed by which people' ? I mean, we can't just show all our feelings openly to the public, can we? This way people can take advantage of our unstable emotional or mental or physical state. If not that, then we can actually come across a situation where we might make some person read our thoughts which we never wanted him/her to know. We might also not want to spoil our "social reputation" because there can be some difference between our behaviors/thoughts in public and the actual us.

All above issues put some kind of restriction on the content and the presentation of the blog. But, if we are untrue even to the blog, then there is no place where we don't hide ourselves in a "good looking mask". So, we will in turn start going away from reality and start living in a phoney world, and start believing that the virtual-reality is the real thing.

One of the solutions is to have two blogs, one for the public, and another for ourselves. This way, we can convey the "conveyable" to the public, and also remain close to the reality by writing the harsh reality in the other one. Another risky alternative is to not care about anyone and write what we want to. Though most people will call the people following the second alternative as PURE and TRUE, but then, speaking a lie is much much different from keeping quiet (where the first alternative basically does the latter thing).

Concluding the whole thing, I'd like to say that blog is a place to put forward your thoughts, but just like social behavior, we must try to follow some way of separating or hiding the harsh reality from the public. We should also ensure that even with this "hide the harshness mask", we aren't UNTRUE in the facts we write.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005,12:58 AM
GOD Life Humanity .. some philo crap!
Well, yesterday in the hindi class, we were taught something about "Vishv Mandir". It says that the entire world is the home of god. We should try to look into ourselves to find the god within us, instead of looking for him in temples and mosques. After this happens, there will be no discrimination, it will not be like, this is the place of god and that is not, every place will be his home. And we will find everyone as good, and we'll love all. There will be no discrimination based on the religions.

Another thing I came to know was the meaning of the word MANDIR. I thought it was related to something about praying and that too strictly Hindu thing. But the literal meaning of the word MANDIR is home! So, actually MANDIR is called MANDIR because its the home of god. So, its kind of contradictory to say that there is a home for god, because the entire universe and maybe beyond that, this whole structure is His home, and the sooner we realize it, the better it will be.

Anyways, another doha that I came across is ... (I really don't remember it)
jab tak main tha, hari nahi they .. ab hari hai.. main nahi..

It means that till I had "ego" (main), then there was no god within me, but now that there is god within me, there is no ego left!

I came to know that Hinduism is nothing. That is there is no religion called Hinduism. Actually, the way of life in this Indian region is called Hindu culture, so basically Hinduism is a culture, and the religion of the people of Hindu culture is SANATAN DHARM. Actually, this SANATAN DHARM is also not any religion. DHARM means DUTY. So, basically these are the set of DUTIES which a human needs to follows while acting in different roles in life, like the DUTY of a Student for his teacher, for a son for his father, etc. And when there were other RELIGIONS coming in India, like Islam, then, how to distiguish? We called ourselves as of HINDU RELIGION, which wasn't there before. And there was no concept of RELIGION in our culture, so what did we do? DHARM (which means DUTY) was also overloaded with another meaning, RELIGION. If we realize this fact, then there will be no anger for other people, and might as well help us understand our culture better.

Seems like I've been getting too philosophical these days, hehe. Anyways, I was just sitting and sleeping in my room, (I actually slept a lot, and missed POPL class too, along with the PT ofcourse), and suddenly a thought came to my mind.

The video of the song "Show me the meaning of being lonely - Backstreet boys" was being played on the PC. I thought how a man lives his life, has thousands of expressions, experiences, and meet so so many no. of people, and does such varied amount of things. Then, one day, he dies. Still, there are another 5 billion left on the planet, who continue living. Even when all these 5 billion will be gone, another 10 billion will start living here (population explosion, lol).

So, I thought to myself that this world is some sort of a place where everyone gets a chance to play his/her part, and when the end comes, you leave the place for others. What remains permanent? I guess almost all of us believe in, or have faith in some god. And the same god, after we are gone, will be with the other new set of people. So, this means A HUMAN BEING is basically so small in front of the ever prevailing GOD.

A forwarded mail about a girl who got 80% burnt in a car accident, and has no fingers, a non functioning eye and horrifying look now, moved me a lot. Though the forward was about driving slowly, but then I thought to myself, if for a moment we go inside her body and feel it, how would it be like? Her only chance to live on this earth has been completely damaged and made off the track. Now she has no choice but to live this burden, such horrifying and depressing. I really felt sad for that girl, I don't know her, but still she is a fellow human. Oh dear God, don't do this to anyone else, again. :(

Anyways, another thought that came to my mind is, because this is my only chance on this planet to do my part, nothing should get messed up. I don't have a RESTART ARENA button like Quake. So, basically I would want that my life goes perfectly, I get a perfect job, or maybe do something great, I get the perfect wife, etc. But these selfish thoughts surround me a lot of times, so it was not just these this time too.

I was thinking that well, just like I want a perfect life because this is my last chance to do something, another 6 billion minus one people are also here to do the same. I mean, each and every human life, or for that matter animal life is actually acting its part for the LAST TIME. And so, we should not do something that will somehow disrupt their perfect path, or maybe help a few who are off the track.

And this is not for any COMMUNITY CAUSE, this way, I'll be adding to my own perfect life, because in my definition, perfection also includes PERFECT IN HELPING PEOPLE. So, I don't want to stand at the verge of dieing, and think that, Kaash, I had helped someone in this life, why did I miss doing that!!

Anyways, enough of the philosophy crap, coming back to reality. Exams are near, and I haven't begun preparing. Six papers, Hindi, POPL and networks look easy, DIP and PR look easy but lengthy, and Compilers looks difficult, lengthy, confusing, and I am quite scared of thinking about it. Today, I am studying PR before the DIP class and maybe in the night, so, NO CHAT WITH TANU TONIGHT.

Aahhh.. forgot to mention, Tanu and I have finally come to a conclusive decision to COMPLETELY REVERT BACK TO FRIENDSHIP. There was some hesitation left, and so finally, when I boldly mailed her, explaining it all, she also conveyed that she was hesitating to tell all that to me. So, all's well!

Piyush, a junior came to me for help regarding his project in java. He doesn't know CPP and he wants to do JFrame and WindowListener and inheritance and interfaces in one night, can you believe that? Anyways, hope he gets it postponed somehow.

I've been writing in the LUG Wiki, some articles about FC4 and YUM and SQL, etc. Its fun and tonight there is a LUG meeting. Lets see what comes out of it.

Umm.. I guess that about it for today. I'll be taking a shower and getting back to studying PR in a short while. Pray for me.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Sunday, September 25, 2005,9:00 AM
Sunday .... getting bored at home :(
Its Sunday evening, and here I am sitting idle, pretty much free, and alone. We had decided to work on our project (which we rarely do), but then Freaky wanted a break as usual.

I ordered a pizza for dinner, just because Sumeet kept on pushing me, its become a habit now. It was really awesome, what great taste, Dominos really rocks!

Anyways, I've been going to PT regularly these days, exercising a bit, hehe. Now its not a burden to get up and all, kind of getting into the habit of getting up early. Reminds me of this...
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise.... but now they say.... Early to bed and early to rise, makes your girl go to other guys. ;)

Err... so finally, I am here, sitting in my room, and sick people, no one is even coming online. I am thinking to myself, why didn't I also go out somewhere? Mom called up a few mins ago, asking me about my activities, etc. I told her that I'll prepare for the exams, so maybe in a few hours/minutes I'll do that.

All these days have been good, not much to say anything about though. My project with Freaky has been going on well. Jawahar sir asked us to change the presentation module of our code, and show it in a more "queryable" format. We decided to use the good old MySQL. Initially it looked as if it'd simply take ages to do it, but then, it was almost done completely in one night. And when the first "simplest ever" query returned the image, WE WERE SO SO DELITED!! IT WASN'T A NEW DISCOVERY, BUT THEN, ITS JUST THAT MY CODE WORKED!! Hehe, reminds me of the tag line "Mera Code Chal Gaya!!"

Okay, I really forgot what I had written about Tanu in the last blog, so just read it again for a recap. Well, the situation is tending towards normal now. But well, there is some minimum amount of "strained feeling" in the minds of us both regarding this friendship. I mean, its not the same anymore.
NO, I don't love her.
NO, I don't hate her.
NO, I am not expecting any love or wanting any.
NO, I don't want to hurt her.
NO, I am not ignoring her.

YES, I care.
YES, she is friend.
YES, I want to talk to her.
YES, I want to meet her.
YES, I want her to remain my friend, forever.

Anyways, I think it will get a little more sorted out when I talk to her face to face, but that looks like a remote possibility, because my holidays are soooo less that I might not meet her.

Okay fine, lets stop talking about her, she's been eating up my diary space since about a month now, so, from now on we'll talk less about her, and more about sensible topics. :)

There are a few assignments to be done, plus PT, plus the mid sem preparation, plus Visual Tracking project, plus Mobile Blog, plus FCC, plus, I will find a girl for me in Hyderabad, hehe.

Ohh, and forgot to mention about Riya. She has been quite dedicatedly studying and working on her project. Its been ages since I last called her. I really like her voice, and the sound of her laughter, really makes me feel, I don't know like what. I've never met her and have seen her only in a really zoomed out pic (thanks to her), but she has really ... err.. I am not getting any word. Anyways, she has conveyed to me that she wishes to gift me with something for whatever I did for her. I don't really know what did I do? I mean, with text and audio, how MUCH can a person help the other? And even if I did, can't she help me that much through text and audio in order to pay back? Anyways, whats there to pay back? It was a two way thing, give and take, and friendship mein what give and what take! Lets see, I've taken up the job to guide her in the project, I hope she is successful in completing it.

And on a closing note, someone please get my FAN working, its really hot in here! :(
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Monday, September 19, 2005,11:38 PM
Back to friendship....
I generally don't feel comfortable when someone goes on appreciating me, saying, you're good, too good, too too good, etc. Well, one of the reasons is that "I am not too good", or rather "I am not even good". What makes me good? That I am not very harsh generally? Or that I'll be "looking" stable even if anything happens? Well, I am human too, and similar to any other, there is an "unexpectedly great reaction" to any "not so expected situation" I am put into. Its just my architecture, which is somewhat made such that, on the surface, there is almost no movement. To sum it up, most of the "approximations" saying that I am too good, or highly patient, or any other, are derived from the "surface", and not from the "actual ME" within.

People at times think that they are too close to me (interpret it as "knowing me really well" and not as "being important for me or in my life"), and give really inaccurate opinions about me. Almost 99% of the time, the person is really important for me, and I care for him/her a lot, but, they really don't know me. It is not because I don't tell them the truth, but because they never ask it.

My theory about "frankness, true friends and truth" is somewhat dissimilar to what some others have. People believe that, a true/frank friend is one, which tells you the TRUTH bluntly on your face, even if you get hurt. I don't think that this is absolutely correct. "Saying the truth" means just "conveying the exact information contained in some particular data", there is no definition of "the format in which it is conveyed". So, according to most people, a true person conveys the "truth" in the most blunt and harsh words possible.

Contrary to that, I feel, a true friend, in addition to conveying the "truth" should take care about the choice of words, so that "the conveyed information" remains exactly the same (as harsh as it can be), but the way of telling is smooth and soft. This should not be confused with "conveying smooth and soft truth", here we are conveying a "harsh truth" with "soft words".

Anyways, so knowing me has two parts, "having a real desire to know me", which is really absent almost in all people, because people don't have to understand me, which is anyways not so important. The second part is "really making me feel that you are the person I can open up with". This, I feel, is not explainable in words, its just some feeling, and is definitely not IMPULSIVE.

Well, it doesn't really mean that people around me are totally confused. This whole concept can be thought of as, to drive a car, you need to know whats the clutch, break and accelerator. Whats beneath it, you don't really need to bother.

Coming back to reality, now I am in this new scenario, with some change of relation with Tanu. Its like, somewhat hung state between love and friendship. No, there was really no feeling of love or anything, but just that she is good and sweet, so I thought, lets see if she is girl. The distance between us, 1400 Kms is really enough to suppress any such attempt to "try" a girl.

For a few days, we really didn't have a very well defined state, and finally she decided that we should revert back to friendship. Well, it was really relieving for me when she said that. No, its not like I made some wrong decision or something, but when she is not so ready kind of, then why take a step ahead. Now, what I think is that she really likes me or something, and slowly wants to push it somehow back on track of love.

On the contrary, now I feel that it wasn't really correct to put myself and her in such awkward situation, and now I have stopped thinking about it in THAT direction. Rather, now I am moving towards having better friendship with her, knowing her more, but thats it. No, I am not closing doors for any possibility, but I am not looking forward to "knowing each other just because some day we want to get into a relationship", but rather "knowing each other as friends". So, this whole thing should be just wiped out of history, that we were ever in any such state of moving towards a relationship. Later in life, if there is a situation, when WE feel that we want a relationship, then we can think, not now. And that kind of leaves us free to go with any other person too, though "friendship" will remain, forever.

I read her diary, and she asked me to call her, well, I'll call in some time, maybe after half and hour or so. And the kind of stuff she writes, looks like she has an obsession for me, which I really don't want. So, I am going to advice her to stop thinking so much, just remain like, friends, not spend so much money for me, etc. And after reading her diary, I am really confused about how to react when I meet her in December.

And another issue is "I don't want to hurt her".

Err.. reminds me of that song, and I am imagining her singing this song in some "viraan kona" of the city maybe..

Dil mera tod diya usne, bura kyon manoo...
Dil mera tod diya usne, bura kyon manoo.....
Usko hak hai ke vo mujhe pyaar kare ya na kare...


Anyways, to be really optimistic, I want this to go this way.
Me and her become really good friends, no formalities and stuff, and thats it. Friendship, "the healthy relationship", is really nice, with no problems, confusions, dilemma, etc. Maybe she is right, "friends are more important than lovers".

Okay, cut the crap.

Rest of the life is really okayish. PR assignment was really tough, my sunday got completely used up in doing it, no masti, no going out. And I haven't met professor Jawahar yet. He must be really pissed with our group now. I am working on the project now, and I hope I can show him something today. The "makeBoundingBox" algorithm had some flaws, which we didn't change ever since it was first implemented, so now I am looking to correct it.

Yesterday night, we had an "all boys night". Yes, it didn't last till late in night because Ashish had some work. But it was fun time spent with the "boys". And anyone trying to talk any damn thing about any girl got so much of penalty, that almost all people never dared to talk a word about any girl. We didn't click any snaps though, but it was fun time altogether.

Today there are a few more classes, just one to be precise. Before that I need to meet Prof Jawahar. I am working on the code now, and will call "her" at lunch.

Oh, and ya, forgot to mention about "Riyanca". She came online that evening. I was outside, so I could come online only after some time. She wasn't talking very normally that day. A little formal kind of, more like "net friends" than like "friends". Well, it is really hurting to me, that I am losing her. On the other hand, its good too, that she now has only one best friend, Manish, who is near her, can help her, etc. What will I do without her? Well, my words look hollow to me. Did I care as much as it seems like? Do I care even now, or its just something I am pretending to do? No, its not about pretending to the world. Its about I am pretending to myself that I care. I really don't know the truth, as if I myself am a little far from the real me now.

posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005,2:37 PM
This place is unsafe now!
Ganesh chaturthi, holiday today! And I was kind of tired of yesterday's talking, chatting, so I kept on sleeping till late in the morning. Rest of the day was sleepy too.

My mid semester examination are over, so kind of free now. The exams were good, and I got "approximately second or third highest" in DIP, something to make me happy. I have not been working on my project, just wasting time, online, or something, so I need to tighten up now.

Greatest achievement in the history of the fifth semester is that I attended the morning PT class day before and also yesterday! Whats more astonishing is Arora aka Jaanu also attended. Whats even more UNBELIEVABLE is Agrawal aka Grawl too! We've decided to do it regularly now.

So, in these morning PT sessions, I've been going to the gym, just trying out, hehe. The hands and stomach muscles are aching like hell, my hand is like, not even becoming straight. Lets see how it turns out to be in the days to come.

Its like, today, I am not able to write. Tanu has asked me to give the link to this diary to her. I really really can't give her. And most probably wont give her. So, I am a little hesitant in writing things here, today.

Its about 3:15 AM now, and I need to get up for PT, so I'll end this post now, though, my heart wants to write more, but, it looks too unsafe to write. Cya.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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,2:35 PM
Why am I good? (posted on 6.9.2005)
Okay, fine, I am kind of sick of hearing this. People keep telling me that I am good, I am clear hearted, I am honest, and what not. Why do they think I am all those? To most of them, I didn’t do any big favor than searching for an internet link, talking to them by coming online when they needed, or just hanging out with them.

Yeah, people over the internet get “attracted” to me faster, but people around me are also getting influenced. I don’t dislike the appraisal, but I fear one thing.

I know that I am just a normal human being, being misinterpreted by all these people. So, when the glitters of my “goodness” vanish, and the people try to explore me more and more, all they’ll get is disappointent.
posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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