Monday, September 19, 2005,11:38 PM
Back to friendship....
I generally don't feel comfortable when someone goes on appreciating me, saying, you're good, too good, too too good, etc. Well, one of the reasons is that "I am not too good", or rather "I am not even good". What makes me good? That I am not very harsh generally? Or that I'll be "looking" stable even if anything happens? Well, I am human too, and similar to any other, there is an "unexpectedly great reaction" to any "not so expected situation" I am put into. Its just my architecture, which is somewhat made such that, on the surface, there is almost no movement. To sum it up, most of the "approximations" saying that I am too good, or highly patient, or any other, are derived from the "surface", and not from the "actual ME" within.

People at times think that they are too close to me (interpret it as "knowing me really well" and not as "being important for me or in my life"), and give really inaccurate opinions about me. Almost 99% of the time, the person is really important for me, and I care for him/her a lot, but, they really don't know me. It is not because I don't tell them the truth, but because they never ask it.

My theory about "frankness, true friends and truth" is somewhat dissimilar to what some others have. People believe that, a true/frank friend is one, which tells you the TRUTH bluntly on your face, even if you get hurt. I don't think that this is absolutely correct. "Saying the truth" means just "conveying the exact information contained in some particular data", there is no definition of "the format in which it is conveyed". So, according to most people, a true person conveys the "truth" in the most blunt and harsh words possible.

Contrary to that, I feel, a true friend, in addition to conveying the "truth" should take care about the choice of words, so that "the conveyed information" remains exactly the same (as harsh as it can be), but the way of telling is smooth and soft. This should not be confused with "conveying smooth and soft truth", here we are conveying a "harsh truth" with "soft words".

Anyways, so knowing me has two parts, "having a real desire to know me", which is really absent almost in all people, because people don't have to understand me, which is anyways not so important. The second part is "really making me feel that you are the person I can open up with". This, I feel, is not explainable in words, its just some feeling, and is definitely not IMPULSIVE.

Well, it doesn't really mean that people around me are totally confused. This whole concept can be thought of as, to drive a car, you need to know whats the clutch, break and accelerator. Whats beneath it, you don't really need to bother.

Coming back to reality, now I am in this new scenario, with some change of relation with Tanu. Its like, somewhat hung state between love and friendship. No, there was really no feeling of love or anything, but just that she is good and sweet, so I thought, lets see if she is girl. The distance between us, 1400 Kms is really enough to suppress any such attempt to "try" a girl.

For a few days, we really didn't have a very well defined state, and finally she decided that we should revert back to friendship. Well, it was really relieving for me when she said that. No, its not like I made some wrong decision or something, but when she is not so ready kind of, then why take a step ahead. Now, what I think is that she really likes me or something, and slowly wants to push it somehow back on track of love.

On the contrary, now I feel that it wasn't really correct to put myself and her in such awkward situation, and now I have stopped thinking about it in THAT direction. Rather, now I am moving towards having better friendship with her, knowing her more, but thats it. No, I am not closing doors for any possibility, but I am not looking forward to "knowing each other just because some day we want to get into a relationship", but rather "knowing each other as friends". So, this whole thing should be just wiped out of history, that we were ever in any such state of moving towards a relationship. Later in life, if there is a situation, when WE feel that we want a relationship, then we can think, not now. And that kind of leaves us free to go with any other person too, though "friendship" will remain, forever.

I read her diary, and she asked me to call her, well, I'll call in some time, maybe after half and hour or so. And the kind of stuff she writes, looks like she has an obsession for me, which I really don't want. So, I am going to advice her to stop thinking so much, just remain like, friends, not spend so much money for me, etc. And after reading her diary, I am really confused about how to react when I meet her in December.

And another issue is "I don't want to hurt her".

Err.. reminds me of that song, and I am imagining her singing this song in some "viraan kona" of the city maybe..

Dil mera tod diya usne, bura kyon manoo...
Dil mera tod diya usne, bura kyon manoo.....
Usko hak hai ke vo mujhe pyaar kare ya na kare...


Anyways, to be really optimistic, I want this to go this way.
Me and her become really good friends, no formalities and stuff, and thats it. Friendship, "the healthy relationship", is really nice, with no problems, confusions, dilemma, etc. Maybe she is right, "friends are more important than lovers".

Okay, cut the crap.

Rest of the life is really okayish. PR assignment was really tough, my sunday got completely used up in doing it, no masti, no going out. And I haven't met professor Jawahar yet. He must be really pissed with our group now. I am working on the project now, and I hope I can show him something today. The "makeBoundingBox" algorithm had some flaws, which we didn't change ever since it was first implemented, so now I am looking to correct it.

Yesterday night, we had an "all boys night". Yes, it didn't last till late in night because Ashish had some work. But it was fun time spent with the "boys". And anyone trying to talk any damn thing about any girl got so much of penalty, that almost all people never dared to talk a word about any girl. We didn't click any snaps though, but it was fun time altogether.

Today there are a few more classes, just one to be precise. Before that I need to meet Prof Jawahar. I am working on the code now, and will call "her" at lunch.

Oh, and ya, forgot to mention about "Riyanca". She came online that evening. I was outside, so I could come online only after some time. She wasn't talking very normally that day. A little formal kind of, more like "net friends" than like "friends". Well, it is really hurting to me, that I am losing her. On the other hand, its good too, that she now has only one best friend, Manish, who is near her, can help her, etc. What will I do without her? Well, my words look hollow to me. Did I care as much as it seems like? Do I care even now, or its just something I am pretending to do? No, its not about pretending to the world. Its about I am pretending to myself that I care. I really don't know the truth, as if I myself am a little far from the real me now.

posted by Anurag Singh Rana
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